Invitation Etiquette “Rules” for the 21st Century

When it comes to the art of etiquette, no woman reigns supreme over Emily Post (1872-1960). A certified rich bitch (who was born right here in Baltimore, Maryland!), Emily published her first book on social graces in 1922. She and generations of her family have since become *the* experts on matters of etiquette, which Emily believed was rooted in the three main principles of consideration, respect, and honesty.

I’ve spent a decade in the wedding industry helping my clients format guest lists and word their invitation suites, and while I have long recommended The Emily Post Institute’s guidance on everything from spelling out street names to when to send thank you notes, sometimes thinking about formal etiquette for too long makes me want to say:

Just kidding, of course! I respect the hell out of Emily Post’s legacy and expertise in etiquette, and I think more of my problem is in how people interpret her recommendations with a super stuffy and rigid way of thinking about modern celebrations (read: the old ways are just indubitably correct 🧐).

Etiquette is really just a way to make people feel seen, respected, and appreciated. In fact, The Emily Post Institute agrees! Those three principles above? They can be broken down like this (words directly from them):

Consideration: “Consideration is being aware of and understanding how a situation affects everyone involved. It is thoughtful behavior, which informs actions that will affect others in a positive way. Consideration prompts us to help a friend or stranger in need, to show appreciation, to offer praise.”
Respect: “Respect is demonstrated by actions, appearance, and words that honor and value others, regardless of their background, race, or creed. It’s demonstrated in all your day-to-day relations—refraining from demeaning others for their ideas and opinions, refusing to laugh at racist or sexist jokes, putting prejudices aside, and staying open-minded. Being inclusive is a way of being respectful – that is, making an effort to learn about and accept others whose backgrounds and cultures are different from one’s own.”
Honesty: “Honesty is acting sincerely and being truthful. Honesty compels us to choose to act with integrity in ways that honor and respect others.”

Nothing in those definitions gets specific about exact wording or “rules” — because the rules are ever shifting as society changes and modernizes. The ways in which we showed consideration, respect, and honesty in 1922 may not fully apply to life in 2024 because life is simply not the same as it was then. Instead of worrying about specific no-nos that don’t resonate with you to begin with, I think it’s better to come at 21st century etiquette with those above definitions (and your love for those you’re interacting with) in mind.

One of my favorite Emily Post quotes sums it up pretty darn well:

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.
If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

— Emily Post

With all of that said, here are my 21st century recommendations for nailing your invitation etiqutte — whether you’re throwing a formal shindig or something with a more casual vibe.

Why Dead People Can Absolutely Invite You to a Wedding

As a certified member of the “Dead Parent Club” since 2007, one particular rule of etiquette I’ve never understood is leaving a late parent off your wedding invitation.

A few years ago I was perusing a Facebook group where stationers could come together and ask random etiquette, printing, and inventory questions to our peers. There was a situation in which one stationer had a bride whose father passed several years earlier, and y’all — people were ready to jump down this bride’s throat for her desire to list her father as one of the hosts alongside her mother. You’d have thought she just suggested setting fire to the tablecloths during toasts as a way to move things along.

In traditional invitation wording, the parents of the couple may be listed at the top of the card (or below the couples’ names) as the hosts of the event. It was the norm in the past for parents to pay for at least the large majority of the wedding celebration, and this was a way to honor them for that (and probably their role in raising you, but I’ve read a lot of historical romance and know a lot of the time that wasn’t really the case.)

In modern times you are likely familiar with a lot of couples using “together with our families” or not listing hosts at all, regardless of who is paying or contributing. There are a million alternatives to traditional invitation wording (see one of ours below), but if you do like the idea of listing your parents by name, the order and specific wording can get a little spicy, especially if (like most of us) you have divorced parents, a deceased parent, or you have a complex or fraught relationship with your family.

If we go back to consideration, respect, and honesty: there are a lot of ways to do this “the right way” by honoring what makes sense for your family specifically.

Ask Your Families!: Maybe they care a lot more than you ever could about the way they are listed, and maybe they don’t care at all. If they do have a specific preference that would make them feel special and that feels fine to you, I’d go with that option. If that’s the formality of “Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy request the honor of your presence,” fabulous! If it’s “Tom and John raised a cool daughter and are throwing a wedding cause she found a dude we don’t hate,” also fabulous (I kid, I kid). But truly — ask your families if they will simply perish if they aren’t listed a specific way. If they don’t feel any type of way, take a look at some alternatives or ask your stationer for ideas.
Honor Who You Want to Honor: Yeah, that means your dead dad can totally be the host, too. I loved my dad with my whole heart, and if I one day tie the knot I wouldn’t feel right without listing him, a major player in why I am who I am. I simply don’t care if someone random thinks that I shouldn’t “confuse people” by listing him where a host is traditionally listed. For all I know he’d be throwing his own rager for us in the afterlife! Those people can and will get over it, and you will have an invitation to look back on in the coming decades that lists the people you care about most.
The same goes here for step parents you love dearly and uninvolved parents you don’t speak to — nobody “deserves” a place on your invitation because of some old rule. In the wise words of Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Sutton Stracke, if you want to name ‘em:

Consider The Atmosphere: Not the weather, mind you, but the immaculate vibes you’re curating for your event. Maybe you want to nix the whole traditional thing and go kitschy or maybe something with no frills feels perfect for the party you’re throwing. One of my favorite invitations I’ve designed is actually pretty traditional in format but gives each parent a sick nickname (see image below) that honors the families’ senses of humor. The only real limitation is creativity, which we happen to have in spades (that’s a very tasteful and subtle plug to let us write it for you, mwahaha).

Addressing Your Envelopes Without The Patriarchy’s Watchful Eye

I’ve been a calligrapher for ten years, and I could’ve given it all up to start a life of luxury on a private island if I had a dollar for every time a woman wrote me asking why traditional etiquette demands wives be listed as “Mrs. John Smith.” Was this not settled by the immaculate 1996 film The First Wives Club?

The answer is no, they don’t own you, babe. I won’t yuck any woman’s yum if she prefers to be listed as Mrs. Husband’s Name, but if that formality sounds not yummy to you, please consider this your permission to skip it. I think the men will live, and there are a lot of fun alternatives:

Sally and Harry Burns
Mrs. Sally Albright-Burns and Mr. Harry Burns (or wait, get this! ) Mr. Harry Burns and Mrs. Sally Albright-Burns
The Burnses or The Burns Family (if everyone under that roof is invited)
Mrs. Sally and Mr. Harry Burns (note: I am not as much of a fan of this because I think it looks and sounds clunky, but you do you!)

This feels like less of an issue for unmarried couples and single friends and family, but know that you have options should you want to list a woman with her own name in full.

Gender Is A Spectrum, Baby!

Some of us like formality and that is A-OK! Titles (i.e. Mr. and Mrs.) are sexy, dammit, and you’re allowed to like using them. That said, in 1922 Emily Post likely did not know about non-binary or agender people, and thus some of the old guidelines on proper titles are missing some very important options. I always recommend erring on the side of asking your loved ones what their pronouns and preferred title designation are, but if they or you are in need of some options/ideas:

Mx. is a widely-accepted gender neutral variation of formal titles like Mr., Mrs., or Ms. (you pronounce it like “mix”)
Ditch the other letters altogether and just list your titles as M. or M* (e.g. M. Jay Smith or M* Jay Smith)
Ind. can stand for Individual (e.g. Ind. Jay Smith)
Sai or Ser (commonly used outside of North America and frankly just sound super frickin’ cool)
Make it up! You could list your friend as “The Incredible Jay Smith” and it would be pretty darn amazing.

I hope that these tips were helpful for you as you navigate planning a wedding in the 21st century (if you’re a historian from the 34th century or I have somehow supplanted Emily Post in the year 2124, please consult people from your own century if you need updated guidance.) If you have any questions I didn’t answer — or you have decided you’d rather have us do the writing or give you more personalized recommendations — become one of our custom stationery clients!

Until then — cheers to all the fabulous magic ahead!

Sources:

Emily Post’s Definition of Etiquette: https://emilypost.com/about/definition-of-etiquette-consideration-respect-and-honesty

Emily Post’s Biography: https://emilypost.com/about/our-story

Gender Neutral Title Options: https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Gender_neutral_titles